so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
Haha so apparently that girl last thought I was you the whole time, and in the morning realized you weren't the one she fucked. Thanks for your help.
The guy I fucked in the port a poty just called me and asked me on a date!
Awkward!
No he was cute and I said yes!
Why would vodka do this to me? I've always been loyal
Well then I realized I had a bigger problem when I woke up a long board.
I'm handcuffed to the toilet. Don't ask
he told me he was a Boston Bruins fan so I took his hat into the bathroom and peed in it...I've never been a prouder Ranger fan
He walks in. We each have a tiki torch. We say, the tribe has spoken. We put his out and then stab him with it.
Oh yes there is. Now I'm the sad one. Please organize my life. And I will demoralize yours.
Sometimes you just have to have sex for a Netflix password.
I'm so lazy and tired i just want to cry and fall asleep in a bed of egg mcmuffins.
either I'm really high or that last bong rip tasted like christmas
Sorry, I was watching the Olympic story about the Canadian guy and drinking out of the prescription bottle and crying because it was so beautiful.
Listen, I've got balls in my face can I call you back
My roommate just angrily told the cat he should have knocked, but that's not lockdown madness. They're always like that.
Randomize
