2:45a: Any chance you got 3000 bucks on you?
Say something about gay babies.
just friend requested my arresting officer from last night. too soon??
Is it weird I want to fuck the cartoon chick from e-surance??
woke up in nothing but a glued-on tiger tail. they used super glue.
He won't talk to me. He'll only communicate using scissors
I think off duty cops drove me home. I may have been hitchhiking
Washing vom off hardwood, so much easier than carpet. Thank you adulthood!
tell your freshman friends. will trade sexual favors for swipes. ive got dinner tomorrow open and lunch on wed
Just got offered bathroom sex. I've never been more flattered.
Just got road head. In broad daylight. On the interstate. During rush hour. Pushing the envelope one public bj at a time.
I went to Walmart last night to buy some CDs--which is a sentence I never thought I'd say in 2016.
All I want is dick and wine.
You followed me up the stairs while i was throwing up yelling "projectile! projectile! projectile!"
Going to jail. Warrant. Be home late. For the love of god turn your ringer on.
Randomize
