So I pulled my t-shirt down, pushed my boobs up and marched right into that church!
i cant believe jose lima did steroids
apparently the kind that make you shitty at baseball
I can't tell whether I'm throwing up blood or licorice.
I finally got laid.. you said it wouldn't happen.
Look I'm sorry I shaved your cat, but get over it.
the realtor just asked me if i've ever made meth on this property.... i need to do something about my hair
He's spent his last 3 years working at Urban Outfitters. No, I'm not sad I missed out on a life of mustaches, the dollar menu and shitty scarves.
Wake up, take the dog to the trails, puke in the woods. More days should start like this.
I was wondering why he was in my phone as "Cat Guy", he seemed pretty normal. Then when we woke up he was wearing a shirt with a picture of his cat on it. The name stays.
Yeah if I don't text back. I'm eating. sleeping. Or lifting. Or drinking. Or playing call of duty. Like shit man
Oh by "being festive" I mean make tacos for dinner.
After sex he brought chocolates and said he loves RuPaul's Drag Race. How many points does he score for that?
It's my day off, I'm going to Target to check out Moms in yoga pants
there must be tiny pirates in the freezer stealing our rum.
They are in the bedroom next door. We might have a threesome idk. Jesus take the wheel.
GO. DO.
I am Jesus and I am taking the wheel.
Randomize
