I will give you a bj if you get me food. NOT A JOKE. FREE BJ.
You were rubbing your foot on one of your legs and kept saying, "My sock feels like a waterslide!"
No its cool I don't even have to do anything he is rapping to one of the strippers. He is punishing himself enough.
I found this letter on my leg this morning "dear sober self- we are one body now. It's weird but get used to it because it already happened" who the fuck is lionman?
My birthday was already very memorable but her punching me in the face put it over the top. I love being 25 and still not giving a fuck.
He got a slutty, ugly mother of a 7 year old, and I got a dog that only sleeps and shits on clean clothes. No one won in this break up.
He has a lot of emotional energy invested in your vagina.
You tried to sit down... There was a distinct lack of couch.
It's midsummers eve. A.k.a. come over so we can get drunk and wear leaf crowns
I feel like we have a good system here turning our sketchy decisions into great stories.
If you fold the laundry; booze and orgasms on me.
PSA- Wearing assless chaps results in embarrassingly painful sunburn
I said I wanted pizza tattoo on my ass and the tattooist asked me what I wanted on it.
Well, I was giving him a handy and I sighed in boredom. He heard. I had to fake moaning sounds after he asked if I sighed.
How's work going?
Boring. I have a cat on a leash right now
Randomize
