im surrounded by empty glasses of chocolate milk WTF
My superpower would be to be able to make a chick instantly start her period just by thinking about it
you were so drunk you slurred your pauses
Have u Seen that eharmony commercial where the guy goes " I don't know how I could love her anymore, but tomorrow I will'. Yeah that guy should kill himself
It's too hard to jack off and hold an ipad at the same time
he made a joke about you fucking his daughter...i think youre golden
I found a sock full of anal beads in my dryer. At least she washes them.
We have a drunken confused pantless man in our apt. Boots.
Please delete that video of me blowing you. I will repay you with 100 blowjobs even better than the one I gave you during that video. Please. I am gonna be a grandma one day.
Sorry there's no emoticon for I got my period all over a guy's bed so I had to improvise. There isn't even a bed one
5am, I am wayy too drunk for this. Hookers came out of nowhere. They're like ninjas. Some poor soul got the fat one, tomorrow's going to be interesting...
In case you wake up wondering why your eyes hurt... You were claiming to be Zeus and that mortal weapons couldn't harm you. Some chick took it as a challenge and pepper sprayed you. Sorry dude.
Talking to her is like watching "Bad Life Choices: The Movie"
Im part way to drunk.
My life is far to together for someone who's such a hot mess inside
Randomize
