Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
yeah. you were just sitting there watching transformers, caressing your toaster.
I found a vibrator in my car and it's not mine...this is becoming a weird day.
You got kicked out of the strip club for spilling a tall boy on the stage and when the bouncers came to take you out you told them that they should probably go clean up your pee in the back corner cause they didn't seem to notice that
Dude with the Beatles haircut just got his pilots license and wants to take us up to do a case race mid flight. Don't tell me networking is unnecessary.
If this week is any indication of my life here I've got to get out ASAP. My liver can't hack it.
I think I found out what we're going be for Halloween....Alcohol poisoning victims.
No other awkward car ride can beat the one you give your drug dealer home.
Yeah i like want to be friends with him. And if we have sex in the physics library well thats fine with me
Just hooked up my fuck buddy with a job working for my dad...this can only end bad.
Idk if I should be worried or amused that my autocorrect changes the word STD to DTF.
I think I fucked someone on the flight home last night.
she chased shots of jack with a fucking steak. i'm in love.
Sometimes the most spiritual fucking thing to do is punch somebody in the face.
Newest quarantine problem - I’ve watched all of the porn. Like everything on the the internet, all the DVDs, mags, VR, leisure suit Larry all of it and I’m still horny af
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