That's what happens when you let Keystone Light make your decisions.
I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high
Dude, I just went to take a piss and looked at my ballsack... Underneath was labled "L" and "R"
I'm way too drunk on a Sunday to handle this level of Jesus.
His friends call him "Gasm".... Im going for it.
Sunscreen. In my vag. I hate summer sex.
my purse only fit my wallet or the martini shaker. it wasnt even a question of which i was bringing.
I mean what are real friends for if they won't hold down your wedding dress to allow for a keg stand
Who was that couple sleeping in your bed with us last night?
Just watched a guy puke off his bike. Beyond impressed. He didn't even swerve
Balls deep in an Orange is the New Black marathon. Bring food and drugs.
I can't believe I got dumped for a fat chick, but at least I got four and a half years worth of free shit. So we can call it even.
Is it fucked up to venmo someone for plan-b?
I'm just glad you didn't end up in Staten Island
I woke up naked holding a taco. My ass couldn't even make it to my bed let alone Staten Island
Can you cover for me after lunch? I’ve never seen a guy who cums as much as my new Side Dick so now I need to clean the house before my husband gets home
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