Woke up with feathers in my hair. at work. still drunk. sooo awkward.
Tell mom and/or dad that I am going to be home late. I am really blazed. Don't tell them that part, though.
theres so much semen in my vacuum cleaner...
I want you to tape your fingers together and give me a lobster claw hand job.
The best part of tonight is drunk commenting on my moms pic about how birds just want to give you diseases and pluck out your eyes
There are two types of people in this world I don't trust: people who collect stamps, and people who don't drink
My hair is short now so it will be easier to give you alot more blow jobs
I'm going to take this text and frame it on my mantle
I may have to steal the boat sober, but I feel that would be harder to explain.
Why the fuck is he under my phone as Papi Chulo?
It wasnt until i started dancing that i realized i pissed myself dude. I dont think shes gonna call me back.
The shrooms have turned on carrie. Change of plans. We're getting stoned and finding bacon.
Like I could never be a lawyer because I would just look like a porn star impersonation of a lawyer.
YOU SHOULD HAVE BEEN THE FIRST VISITOR TO CHRISTMASLAND
He can't say no, it's my spiritual goddamn quest.
You're a brave, albeit stupid soul for wanting in on the fuckery that comes attached to my vagina
Randomize
