you're like the ceasar milan of boners... you understand them on a different level.
I love being friends with rich people. I get laid by association.
when i got to my bed there was a handwritten note that said "wash the sheets." sleeping on the couch.
found: crazy homeless guy quoting Quagmire lines to every chick he sees. i think i win the scavenger hunt.
My workout was carrying 2 cases home from the grocery. It's Bowl Week.
tolerance is too high. going on a liquor strike. ghandi style.
He came into the hospital yelling "HEY EVERYBODY! REMEMBER ME?"
Gave the kid in the wheelchair at the bus stop a beer and proceede to lift him on the bus. porch drinking brings out the best in everyone
How many weeks is it acceptable until I can start bringing freshman back?
Was just walking through the park by the river. Saw some random in a tree, we climbed up, blazed with him and bought a bag. In the tree. Real shit.
Got paid to make out with a girl. It takes skill to be this drunk and still make money
I have to stop envisioning penises as dragons.
Is it bad that I feel proud to be the first one to puke in the apartment? And I did it in style?
You straight up painted the counter with steak, tequila and beer. You owe me a knew toothbrush.
Whoever roofied me last night owes me a new pair of white jeans
I woke up to find I still had sequins under my tits. I'd say Sunday was a success.
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