got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
You screamed 'pound me, you big thick stud.' I looked around for porn cameras.
Shut up. I did not.
I really wish I was making that up.
He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
Somewhere in this world my second husband is in 9th grade.
so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
Im breaking out the trunk vodka tonight, its been aged to perfection.
I see you met someone special
I made one of my coworkers cheers to me not being pregnant. I've never talked to him before tonight. Keeping it classy.
New low. I just threw up in the shower at 4pm. Nothing like leaving behind my 20s with class.
My vagina has a heartbeat. That means I'm in love, right?
we fucked in the backseat of my car at the observatory, right under the stars. it was a starry, orgasmic filled night
Would I be a horrible mom if I got a babysitter at 6am so I could go get laid.
Yes, you can glue plastic eyes to my dick and take pictures while I'm asleep. If you tell anyone I said you could do that Ima fight you.
My neighbor was my D.A.R.E officer and I feel like I've defeated him by smoking weed outside everyday
you can see where the duct tape was on my nipple
You were leaning against a fire hydrant asking people if they wanted to buy free pocket peanuts from you.
Randomize
