I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
so they are in my phone as twin 1 and twin 2. but i forget which is which. did i put them in order of who I hooked up with first, or who is sexier? cause i'm not trying to text the one with the girlfriend
1st off, theyre identical. 2ndly, have i ever told you that youre a huge slut? hope that helps
My roommate has every episode of Full House. I'm going to fail my midterm tomorrow.
Met the five year old's gym teacher for next year. He is an old drinking buddy and I used to fuck his older brother. It was like a walk of shame 20 years late.
ill give you the fast version. Hooked up with 17 year old coworker while housestting for my boss
Seriously this night has "go home now before you cry, puke or scream on someone" written all over it.
I was in the bathroom puking up mountains of tequila and when he came to help me, I held the door shut and kept yelling at him to let me be a lady.
Dad, is it in any way illegal for me to run around throwing handfuls of lucky charms at people tomorrow?
you're kidding right?
I can't. I think his penis is about to take out a restraining order against me.
I went through his pics. Will you go with me to get tested?
Yeah, my new jeep also came with custom license plates that read 4SKIIN. Not "4 skin" but "4 skiing" thanks mom and dad
Currently watching Zombie Sharks while high. This is why I love Shark Week.
I just used a gift card from my in-laws to buy their daughter a vibrator. What even are morals?
You tore a poster off a lamppost and ATE IT. That drunk.
You're so sweet in the most vulgar ways
Randomize