This is your Morning Wood Report: I have it.
Turned in a paper today on drug abuse. Chose to write about percocet. Just realized I started 2 sentences with "This amazing drug"
dude your girlfriend is running naked down the hall with a raw chicken taped to her stomach saying this is what I'll look like pregnant...run far far away
I don't think he realizes it but he was stroking the faucet while he was talking to me.
Hey. Hey you. Just wanted to let you know that I'm adorable. FUCKING ADORABLE. That is all. This update brought to you by our proud sponsor bud light.
How do you tell someone who's buying a pregnancy test to have a nice day .... Like how
Taco trucks are like ice cream trucks for drunk adults. They should have a mariachi tune they play super loud to bring people out of the bars for tacos.
Most desperate stoner moment; dropped our hard earned resin ball in the sand, rinsed it off and then did knife hits in the kitchen cuz we broke our only pipe
Then she looked me straight in the eyes and asked me if I missed my foreskin. Weirdest conversation ever.
Was about to close the deal last night until he said he hadn't seen the Taylor Swift video. So I made him watch it before I let him have sex with me.
Well you were listening to music and having sex really loudly. How was I supposed to know you'd hear me making rocket sounds?
It is not a successful senior year unless you show up to campus without pants at least once, right?
The number of threesomes I have agreed to seems to increase every time I talk to you drunk...
Do you want to get naked and order pizza with me
why is there a porcupine in the kitchen
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