Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
false alarm. still invincible.
No flights in Europe due to the volcano erupting. God himself is telling me to spend 4.20 in Amsterdam.
The djing cat is back again. I think he just makes appearances when im shit drunk just to fuck with my mind.
i left after you tried to balance a shot of tequila on your head while screaming at the bar tender that you fucked his girlfriend
Whatever, consider condoms an eighteen year investment.
I could probably save all of the money I would have spent on condoms and put a kid through college.
You know it's a good Halloween party when a guy wearing a light-up sombrero offers you blow.
She called to say her plane was running late and i had 30minutes to get to the airport for bathroom sex
So my Mom pointed out my vibrator on the night stand next to my stun gun and reminded me of how much I drink.
You, me, naked, mistletoe, fifth of jack, gallon of lube, condoms, Cheetos, handcuffs, rope, along with no morals, inhibition or judgment. That's all I want for Christmas.
I think my dove chocolate wrapper just told me to masturbate.
do me a favor, I need this weekend off so can you work your magic and blow my boss again?
I’m a coke loving, addy selling, pot smoking CRIMINOLOGY major. If there isn't irony in that I give up.
CUM CAME OUT OF MY NOSE. MY SINUSES ARE ENTIRELY FUCKED UP NOW BC OF THE CUM TRAVELING IN PLACES IT SHOULD NOT HAVE.
There is sex in the air. Be careful where you walk.
Randomize
