What happened last night?
You soiled yourself again and told everybody that you'd given birth.
It's cold our but I feel like a very blazed penguin
i feel sorry for the hotel staff that makes the bed after we have sex
My uncrustable is thawing in my straightener
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
ive cried into many a lonely burritos..
I plan to get very, very drunk when I get off work.
But doesn't your shift end at like noon?
I don't think you understand.
I didn't know how wild the party was going to be until one girl brought her pet raccoon
Woke up with chlamydia and a bruised rib. I'd say my boss is gonna be mad about me not showing up to work, except you know.. it's her fault.
I re-seduced my fuck buddy...must be the luck of the Irish!
I don't think it counts as a booty call at 6:30 pm.
Just watched a guy open his car door, puke, close it, and resume driving. Happy Monday.
We found him. He just came running out of the closet with a bruise on his face saying he has been fighting elves in Narnia for a year.
At least your wife cheated on you. Women will feel bad for you. In a month there will boy bands that are jealous of your dick
She called me at 2am crying because her late night booty call moved out of state
Randomize
