Then you got really excited when I upgraded you from puke bowl to puke bucket.
You act like I was drinking alone...I had the entire Verizon network with me
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
i want to have as much fun as i did last weekend. but plus the condom and minus the fear.
Just witnessed a fat girl fall off the treadmill, pop a medicine ball, and drink coke out of a water bottle all in one workout.
I mean we're not committed. He's my first choice, sort of like miller lite. When I'm at the bar I'm going to order one, but if they don't maybe I'll go for a bud or blue moon. I'm certainly not going to stop drinking
He sang nursery rhymes to my vagina to get me to have sex with him..
I found him CRAWLING across the garden. He saw me,smiled,and asked for a napkin.
Between the booze, mechanical bulls, and penis's I think my body hates it when I'm single
He calls it "his noble steed" and i plan to ride it.
Look. You've gotta stop making this about you, and make it about my vagina.
Is this like a "I'm taking you out to dinner and treating you with respect" kind of date, or is this a "I'm gonna fill you with alcohol and cheese and stuff my dick in your anus" kind of date?
I text him "Dude. Tryna get fucked here. I only have half the parts. I need your help" I'm sure my mom would be super proud of the woman I have become.
People were running around punching out the ceiling tiles Super Mario style.
Will you PLEASE get your mom to stop telling me I'd make a great husband? She knows I'm gay, right?!
I know, but she really likes you. Have you met my brother yet?
Randomize
