She made the grapes disappear! ALL OF THEM!!!
I just mixed tequila and nyquil in front of dad. hes making ambulance jokes but let me tell you its DELICIOUSSS
Dont eat ANYTHING off the floor at Matt's house. He likes floor sex.
I don't remember much of last night. But I woke up with very apologetic texts from him this morning so apparently I didn't get laid. Which is stupid.
Do you have any puffy paint? I want to put "fiesta muthafuckas" on my sombrero but its too much to bedazzle.
Your the only person to come back from spring break with a non std related infection
My legs feel like baby dolphins
Currently tripping balls and watching Pink Floyd the wall and I'm crying during it. If this isn't a self realization then I don't know what to tell you.
Is it a bad sign starting the new year off naked, wet, and alone?
Asking for a friend of course
All I wanted was to die alone with my dogs....how did I end up here
I don't know if I should laugh or punch you
Slammed 3 beers and just bowled a 129\nI guess alcohol IS the answer
I don't trust my subconscious. It sleeps with my exboyfriend sometimes.
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
How do you confess that you've had phone sex with your fiancé's brother's ex-girlfriend's new guy she's dating who has also slept with your best friend?
So apparently I fell asleep sitting on the toilet last night while my drunk girlfriend sang to me.
Randomize
