were having a shit on karen session at work but then she walked in so we used code names instead and she tried to join in like she knew them
it was worse than that time i tried giving evan head 4 days post nose job.
remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
I thought she was mad at me, but then we did a pose off and I realized we're friends for life
I knew we should have skipped class earlier, my lab partner is drunk from last night and making up his own experiments.
Apparently I was pointing at birds and yelling "YOU USED TO BE A DINOSAUR!!!"
what is the protocol for being hungover enough to vomit in a potted plant during my botany lecture?
WHY ARE YOU SMOKING WEED WHEN YOU JUST HAD A STROKE. AND MORE IMPORTANTLY WHY ARE YOU DOING IT WITHOUT ME.
I had to steal sneakers from my man of the night. I dipped. But then realized I left my purse in his house. So I had to stash the shoes in some bushes and wait for him on the stoop. Then after he watches me leave, I run back and get the shoes cuz I didn't wanna be taking my hour long journey home through London at 3 pm in my six inch wedges and club dress
How did work go after you told them you were in jail?
Great they tried to bail me out.
Costco (TM). Making alcoholism affordable!
He told me I remind him of his ex girlfriend but in a better more advanced way..
And remember people can't hear you kick ass in space
If I don't get struck by a lightning bolt from God by midnight it will be a Christmas miracle.
Standing naked in my kitchen making nachos. I love my youth.
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