I just accidently deleted 60 gigs of porn from my external hard drive. Thats over 300 pornos! I think im gonna cry.
Im surprised that you are even able to text me right now.
i convinced her i was a yoga teacher by showing her some warm-ups my high school track coach made up
He practically bottle-fed me Jameson, like I was a baby chimpanzee on those nature specials.
you can SEE the outline of a pad through her jeans. there is no way
I'm not entirely sure what we did is legal in the U.S., but I know that couple wont be the same
We interrupt your regularly scheduled Saturday morning programming with this important announcement: you are not the father. I repeat not the father. Congratulations and have a nice day.
Someone painted a weed leaf on my leg with red paint. Or blood. I hope paint.
Holy fuck just found a used tampon in the leg of my pants. it's not paint. It's. Not. Paint.
I'm not really made for random hookups.. i'm like a swan.. i don't wanna have random swan sex. i just wanna have one swan hubby and fly around the world together and eat bread that people throw at us..
A big thanks to that bride-to-be, Her fiance and his loaded friends will forever hold a place in my heart for the generous tequila body shots on the couch at Henry's.
you look like you're about to get down on your knees and give america the business.
Yeah, I've hit on priests at bars, too. Such a shame, there are a lot of hot men out there who've devoted themselves and their glorious genitalia to the Lord -_-
We had sex last night...... This "Friends" thing is going well.
well apparently i sat in the bathroom staring in the toliet at my vomit. it was blue. how was your night?
'allo, good sire. how dost thy day goeth?
oh no. you're at that weird Renaissance Festival thing again, aren't you?
I am an inebriated elf. you may fucketh off.
Cum just came out of my nose. That is all.
Randomize
