I cannot stress to you how much better your current situation is than listening to gay sex
Just talked to the girl you brought home from the bar last night while she was looking for her panties. She said to tell you "nice try".
Kinda wish I banged him. I need the exercise.
Check Facebook. Random dude tagged us in photos from last night dancing at Denny's while eating a sampler platter. 1. How does he have our names, and 2. You said we ate at Tbell.
Omg he's telling my parents stories about him doing jaagerbombs ... Lord help me
We looked at pictures of a Texas banjo contest from 2006 for a half hour and then were surprised by who won. That stoned.
Sry I came all over your dress. Think of it as a Vegas souvenir.
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
I'm lowering my standards just so I can get laid, but I draw the line when a guy spells cool kewl
I couldn't do it. You can't break up after that many orgasms. It's physically impossible.
I'm too stoned to come over for sex
Yes that is a Krispy Kreme doughnut on my cock
I'll be right over
This day took a left turn at "This is your going away party, I got a bunch of blow."
This fucking storm better not ruin my sex plans this weekend
Boys winking, cowboys tipping their hats, old people looking disappointed.... ah, I had forgotten the unholy powers of exposed cleavage!
You are my hero.
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
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