mom and dad googled us on the weekend. i love the internet less than i did on friday.
all of his pictures were taken on a library computer, how did you even consider fucking him?
Well, there goes the no drunk sex injuries resolution.
I'm pretty sure getting a blow job behind a bar in Rome while her little sister is throwing up in a dumpster not 5 feet away, gives entirely new meaning to the phrase "When in Rome"
pretty sure that drunk girl we saw climbing the stairs is now DJing this club....
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
You need to braveheart it on Monday. Blue face paint and a loin cloth screaming freedom in your front yard.
They're making him take his shirt off cause they think he's the bouncer. We're in his backyard.
It's like hey here is one penis enjoy nothing but that for the rest of your life
Can I bring some rope too? It's not too early for bondage talk, is it?
You went into the shower with my roommate and cursed him out asking why he was there
Should I be scared that after we hooked up she took antibiotics with Sailor Jerry's?!
I forgot wine drunk hurts
His dick is curly. It's adorable.
Randomize
