When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
Pooping in your heated bathroom to the sound of rain and instrumental guitar might be the greatest experience ever.
Reason #437 to hate Louisiana: Just went to the public bathroom at work. It was so humid the toilet seat was damp and sticky. Either it's the humidity or I sat in somebody's yesterday piss. I choose to believe the humidity.
i live my life in a constant state of hangover.
tonight i'm making a christmas tree shaped shot pyramid
If you can't do the LSAT hung over. You can't do the LSAT. That's the real practice.
He compared my vagina to the first time he tried cocaine
I made a tournament bracket for the girls that Im talking with.
High Amy loves you. Sober Amy is unsure, but she's not here so fuck that bitch.
There should be a Doritos delivery van or something.
At what point in a new hookup do you tell the guy you need to wear a mouth guard when you sleepover because of your TMJ? Asking for a friend.
i woke up with blood and cuts on my face and i don't remember anything after winning four games of beer pong in a row last night. and i'm still drunk.
you are a true champion. bear my children.
I got so tired of my roommates fucking in the tub I took a shit in it. Surprise!
This whole brainwashing thing is easy!
This is going to be so stupid, but do you feel the calluses on my hands when I give you a handy?
Randomize
