Everyone knows that the fastest route to a corporate advancement is to take a shot in the mouth
he was uncircumcised...I HAVE NOT YET REACHED THAT SKILL LEVEL OF DICK
I think I'm on the verge of a really slutty period in my life
You kept throwing bottles at the dorm across the courtyard and when anyone told you to stop you just said "who are you? Al Gore?"
I get credit on the assist, you can thank me by taking a pic of her ass under the covers and sending it to me. It would make my YEAR
She makes walking on a treadmill look like a porno. I wish I could send over shots as an ice breaker.
That's effing brilliant. We should start a business.
I can't feel my tongue. And that means go. Green means go. And you know what Barney says. Green means go and woah means no. DRIIIIINKK
Would seriously like to slash his tires but then I feel like I'd have to deal with him longer.
Seriously. All I want right now is a 40 with a nipple on it, and a nap
Give me an out of order sign and caution tape and we can have sex practically anywhere.
YOUR VAGINA IS SO CUTE IT'S LIKE A LITTLE MACAROON
No joke. There's a picture of the priest I made out with on my parents' refrigerator.
I am literally watching TV with sunglasses on because the brightness hurts my hangover
I sent my brother over to my ex's to get the rest of my stuff. He comes back SEVEN HOURS LATER, high as fuck without my shit! No loyalty.
I got sriracha sauce on my mask while I was eating fast food, now wearing it makes me hungry
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