my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
its been so long since i'vebeen laid i've forgotten what a penis looks like. When a guy makes me hot i picture him finishing the job by whipping a multi-setting showerhead out of his pants.
did you know they have Ed Hardy school supplies at Target? it's like folders and notebooks for little douchebags in training.
sticking your finger down your throat to make yourself throw up is bulimia, not morning sickness, so no, I don't think you're pregnant.
just woke up in the hotel with gummi bears all around me and someone took the tv
we took the tv and as for the gummi bears don't eat them you put em in her vagina
should i be impressed or disgusted that i was spitting glow-in-the-dark?
I was in a house full of lesbians and they were all staring at me. I felt like the last cresent roll on Thanksgiving.
i was completely deserted.. so i stood outside starbucks for 20 minutes trying to convince the employees to open early and take care of me.. fuck you guys
But I swear to god if I'm awkwardly there while you try to have sex with someone again I'm getting high with your dad
I just remembered that last night I seriously contemplated swallowing the cap to my toothpaste
We were fucking and his phone rang and it was his grandma. He just had a conversation with his grandma while fucking me from behind. Then his dad called and asked him what he wanted from taco bell.
Have you forgotten that this whole sexy cop role play started with a comment about my mom?
I mean, don't most people have like a two week grace period where it's okay to ditch new friends?
He has no idea I'm scrolling through Instagram while he's going down on me. I'm so bored.
The bouncer said the club was at capacity we couldnt get in till ppl left all three of them pulled their tits out we got complimentary bottle service never under estimate women
Randomize
