my little sister told my dad she found willy wonka's golden ticket in the backseat of my car. now my dad knows my boyfriend uses magnums.
All he did was lie there and used his hands to keep pace. He was like the metronome of sex.
I just cleaned your Jaeger vomit off my car with a knife. Don't ever say I don't love you.
6 other girls and I took an ice cream truck to the bar when we couldn't get a cab. Best birthday ever.
Don't worry we did the "promise to get an abortion" handshake
Welp. I just hopped out of his window to avoid meeting his parents... happy monday!
He whinnies like a horse when he's cumming. I wish I would have known this before we got into a relationship.
Freedom, beauty, truth, and love to all. I also probably have syphilis
Ohhhh sweet! I may be down for that. I'll be a german beer girl probably passed out on a park bench somewhere.
Just talked to Laura, confirming that is my bra. Hope it goes well with the rest of your wall decorations.
Fun fact. I am at the police dept. getting served a warrant for unpaid ordinance... and the officer was a one night stand from like 10 years ago.
I think I may have accidentally stepped in fire
Seriously, I woke you up with tacos, I think I deserve the best girlfriend ever award
Hey beautiful no judgement but why is there a bucket of KFC chicken in the bathtub??
He just stopped in the middle of undressing for sex to dip his slice of pizza in ranch. I think I’m in love.
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