I called her the wrong name twice and she still called me back this morning. DO I still wait two days to call her back?
Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
the last thing i remember is inserting the sippy stray into the jack daniel's.
so the plumber came, he found condoms, feathers and glitter in the pipes.
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
He went THROUGH MY PHONE (he's 30 for God sake) then asked me why I was stringing along 12 guys... I told him he could have just asked me if I was banging other people and then saved himself from looking at pics of dicks bigger than his.
i was in burrito mode and too drunk to move. no fucks were given. none.
You don't know scared until you've just begun the first stage of an acid trip till a guy on stilts with a creepy mustache and beard says "enter the Forrest"
fond memories of taking my pregnancy test here in this Burger King
You've got to be fucking kidding me. Do you think "Husband drunkenly pees all over floors" is reasonable grounds for divorce? So pissed off right now.
"Don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor..." he chanted helplessly
I didn't see her "bad karma" tattoo until after I was balls deep
I just saw your mom take a body shot off an undergrad, please tell me you're somewhere near by.
Question: anytime during the past week did I drunk dial you and give you full permission to grab my boobs? Cus I know I said it I just don't remember who I said it to...
dude the water is back on, you can stop shitting under the tree . . .
Randomize
