You know, as long as there were ice cream breaks, I would totally eat chips for a living.
Anyone ask you how much a bj cost yet? That shirt is so whorish
your dad made us margaritas and breakfast on the morning. I think it's safe to say he relives his glory days through us
searching "dave" under the university of pittsburgh on facebook was not exactly how i hoped to find my baby daddy
I just took a shower and I feel like 20 pounds of sex just came off of me.
I just remembered that he had fake blood all over his face last night. I woke up with it all over my dick. He was 50. Please don't judge me.
I would rather deep fry my own cock while it's still attached to me than have his life.
I was talking to another guy at the bar last night and all of a sudden a flying piece of Sausage lands on my boobs. Then I hear my boyfriend yell, "just marking my territory."
It's because of weed that I don't mind driving an hour to visit my family. And it's because of you that there's weed in my life. Thank you.
I'm taking a dab in mourning of how long its been since I smoked with you guys.
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
I can't believe he's mad at you for not remembering your fake anniversary.
Last night a drunk chick tried to lick me. If you are trying to lick the zombies, you are too drunk for the haunted house.
I'd give my right arm to start my period. My right arm. Thats more significant then my left.
we used a blowdryer last night to warm up our left over pizza..it worked perfectly at first..but then the chili powder got into his eyes..
Randomize
