toast her oven
toast her strudel
inspect her gadget
She is totes cute on her twitter. Which totally sounds like a euphemism for coot.
I'm retiring my vagina. Better yet I'm Farve-ing it.
Def the best call fo sho
That way it can come out of retirement anytime and play for different teams. And it can wear Wranglers.
The more I throw up, the more I am remembering exactly what I drank last night...in order.
The liquor store is having an inventory reduction sale. It would be a sin not to stop and help them out.
And we all know God doesn't like sinners.
Amen.
Dude, dont worry about the lamb fetus in the fridge.
What?
Just dont open the beer drawer.
I think I'm gonna quit partying for awhile. Piercing my own nose is where I draw the line.
Classic dick move. Breaking up your buddies 3-some by coming into his room and doing the Harlem Shake.
Told my fifteen year old cousin's friend what to sext his girlfriend last night. He was scarred for life but she fucking loved it.
Would it be weird to bake him a cake that says "sorry I peed on your bed"?
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO BE A DRUNK WHEN ALL MY ENABLERS ARE BUSY?!
He was really cute! And I know but it's just like getting my fix ya know? He's basically a human vibrator.
rowboat hit a rock. taking on water. going down fast. bring cheerios.
aye aye capn
Lets just say the phase, What a dick, has a whole new meaning at the urinals.
...hi
YOU SHOULD BE ASHAMED OF YOURSELF
Ok cool I was afraid you'd never speak to me again. I can work with this.
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