it's my fault, I passed out instead of getting up to pee.
You know its been a rough night when you wake up and the first thing you remember is your mom going skinny dipping.
you threw up in the bushes next to the ABC store and kept saying "you're home, blueberry vodka, you're home!"
Bro, I just want to tell you that I'm glad you got fired. I'm going to fuck your replacement.
Tomorrow night wont work for me. I'm talking with Bryan about marriage and I dont want to have a shroom hangover.
And really all I wanted was to be like "hey can I borrow your dick for a few hours this weekend?"
arnt you supposed to become a mature adult when you move out of your parents house?
Moving out doesnt mean I'm mature, it means I can make pancakes and bacon at 3 in the morning and no one can judge me.
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
Dislocated my knee during sex, popped it back in and kept going. Then got simpathy chipotle out of it too.
There's weed in my toothpaste. Explain.
I went shopping for a dress that was baptism and bar appropriate.
Who the fuck stole my fridge again
Btw I appreciate you as a friend for taking the time to validate my sluttiness
She started crying, nearly punched a guy, started smoking multiple cigarets backwards and broke the slide on her bong. Why do I always end up babysitting the crazy ones?
You asked me if I ever met a talking rock and when I said no, you looked me dead in the eye and said today was my lucky day then you crawled into a ball and started talking...that high.
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