My aunt just said- "pizza is like sex. Even if it ain't good it ain't bad." Obviously she doesn't know us too well.
Tiger Woods should have just walked in, gave everyone a high five, and left.
Look dude I'm sorry I used your bong to snorkel in my bathtub last night
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
in my drunkeness I still was able to plan for the morning. I duck taped my keys, a water bottle full of mimosa and my cell phone to the front door.
My mom just saw the bruise on my chest from the bite mark he left. Played it off that I hit myself w a box of beauty products. She believed me. God I love working retail sometimes.
A man bought two 40's from me, then asked if I had duct tape. How do people over 50 know about Edward 40hands? It was very weird.
He drank his beer out of his own shoe. Its his "party trick"
Guess I'll put him on my to-do list too. But closer to the bottom since we dated before. That's almost unethical.
Just discovered i ordered the nhl center ice package back in september, the operator said there was a note next to the time I called, indicating I may have been intoxicated while calling (no clue why but it was noted)...meaning I was drunk...meaning ill never miss another sabres game...i love me and am beaming with self pride
Because it's not worth it. And there is no nice way of saying "sorry, you're not good enough at sex for me to drive 45 mins"
I just scored a new eye doctor and a date all in one email. BOOM!
Are you on your way? Get your date and black out with me. Democracy's at stake.
"Being an adult" and "being happy" are two circles that do not overlap in my Venn diagram of life.
I'll explain later but I just had to legally commit to abstinence for the next 4 months
Randomize
