My Dad named our wireless network after my dead grandma. I refuse to look up porn on my dead grandma...
splinters make it hard to masturbate
Woke up with pink eye in both my eyes. That's how the threesome went
I hope no one at work will be able to read the "who wants body shots" on my chest. I forgot about it.
he had a dikembe mutombo jersey on, was swatting peoples drinks out of their hand and wagging his finger in their face everytime he did it.
First if all, whoever designed penis shaped ice cubes is clearly daring me to shove them up my vagina
Was I holding a cat when you saw me? Because that was the height of that party for me.
No, I don't just love you because you have big boobs. I just wouldn't visit as often.
In my defense, last night's hookup turned out to be my actual girlfriend. That's gotta count for something, right?
Apparently fireball doesn't mix well with my no carb diet
After you punched me you ran away and it took an hour to find you... On the wrong floor... Sitting alone saying "it doesnt make sense"
There's a dryer on fire at the laundromat, and everyone's just standing around taking pictures. Except me. I'm texting.
Be there in 20. Want icecream?
sex. I want sex. I like where your heads at though.
He tried to do a JoJo pose and wound up breaking his wrist in the process. Truly a story for the ages.
I woke up on the couch screaming in pain. I don't know how ended up there or why my foot was double the size. all I know is I'm now in a cast and never drinking tequila again. worst hangover ever.
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