My mom says you aren't allowed to eat doritos at my house
Dude, don't freak out but the girl who stuck the hair brush in her ass is here. I can't look her in the eye!!
I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
he poured tabasco sauce in my vag.. I'm still having a hard time going to the bathroom.
Cops showed up at 4 am to address a noise complaint and she called them pussies for not doing shots with us.
im flying all the way to minnesota to see him for four days... cutest-best-friend-reunion or most-epic-booty-call-ever?
who says it cant be both...
he told me he was watching a movie and he'd be over later and i asked how long. he said 8 inches give or take. you cease to amaze me with the guys you set me up with.
How did you get a free t-shirt at the strip club?
I was attacked by whores
You threw up on yourself again didn't you?
They were strong whores
you were passed out so I asked you what my name was and you opened your eyes and yelled "ricotta cheese"
no way
that's when i decided you were gonna be okay
I walk in and my roomie is fucking her bf while wearing lingerie and minnie mouse ears. Right in the childhood.
You've changed since you got that strap on
So, then you thought it was a good idea to dress up like the Hamburglar, buy a bag full of McDonalds hamburgers, go to Burger King and throw them at everyone while screaming "HAMBURGLAR!". At that point there was no stopping you.
I've never been so excited to be bleeding from my vagina.
It seems that I didn’t convey clearly enough how well and truly fucked we are, Jack. Listen to me very closely: we are DEAD.
Anyone who does not know who Paul McCartney is does NOT get to put hands in my pants
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