I fucked **** last night, don't tell mike
this is mike. we're done.
Apparently the last thing they remember of me was me stumbing into a bathroom, then falling out 5 minutes later clutching a butter knife repeating "ketamine goes in my face hole"
...She was shooting whiskey using a turkey baster...i was horrified.
I awoke this morning to a naked boyfriend flying a remote controlled shark around his apartment. This is my life.
He said I went to go sit outside and is promised I wouldn't leave he brings me a chair and I'm gone. He found me stumbling a half mile away in my socks
Hey do you think you can sew an adult onsie with easy access if you know what I mean!!?? It must have bunny feet.
Fuck Sunday funday. Fuck real pants. Fuck the sun. Fuck Jameson. Fuck my life. Yes, I am hungover as shit sitting in my office eating bacon.
The last time I've felt a woman's touch, the twin towers were compromised. You can wait like one week
DO NOT SLAP ANYONE WITH ANY VEGAN MEAT PATTIES
Also I am throwing a blaZer over what I wore to bed and calling it an outfit.
I did stay at work til 5 but for the last hour I was just taking naked pics on my desk for some tinder guy
It seems that Coffee is the true alpha male.
You realized your blanket was a snuggie, spread your arms, and yelled "tonight I sleep like jesus!"
so you can go out and drink with me then fuck me, or you can come over when i get home and fuck me, or you can come over before and fuck me, or you can come over before and after and fuck me... so many fucking options
Christ, I'm so hungover I pretty positive I sent Luna to school with salsa instead of jelly on her sandwich.
Randomize