I fucking hate vegan toaster pastries. You don't fuck with poptarts. It's like baseball...it's the backbone of american sport and you don't change it. Poptarts are the backbone of american fatasses and you don't just go changing them.
Ever got a vibrator stuck in ur hair? Is worse that getting ur hairbrush stuck.
...well that sucks.
The only word I understood in that whole setence was semen.
She keeps stunt undies in her bag, 2 sizes too small. She leaves them behind so the guy thinks he was luckier than he was...
i had to pay fifty dollars for throwing up in the limo, 60 fucking dollars to throw up all over myself
He puked in the funnel and continued to chug it. Who is this dude?
googling pictures of Lindsey Lohan so that I know what to wear to court is definitely a low point in my life
Just tell your mom you have to go somewhere half naked with a strange man. She'll understand
I just want to fuck you then discuss implications of our existence afterwards. Then Doritos and hot tub.
Some guy just showed up at my door to return my bikini top. EXPLAIN NOW
Remember the girl I had sex with in the dorm stairwell? She got married!
My phone has started autocorrecting "monogamy" to "monogamish"
Why the fuck am I at this dorm meeting? I don't pay $50,000 a year to stay sober.
I told him I lived in the apartment beside his brother and he said "oh, you're the girl that watches really loud porn!"
I know I drink too much cuz "ssssjllapph peneinssesss" automatically comes up in my phone now.
Randomize
