look no pants
..now you can marry chaz and be in cher's family..
yeah n i dont have to pretend to be into chicks to do it now...
Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
I wish we had a justin bieber to wanna fuck when we were younger... But noooo we just had hanson
I made her dinner: Beefaroni with grated parmesan cheese on top. Luckily she showed up drunk and gave me head, "For spending so much time preparing."
His shirt was in the kitchen sink this morning, I'm pretty sure my roommates know.
I bought a police grade breathalyzer on ebay at 4:37 am. At least I'm a responsible drunk.
It's like being the dunk pilot of a plane full of pornstars and drunkenness.
Well, I'm at the grocery store wondering whether I exist or not.
Doing the walk of shame and bringing my dad a newspaper en route. Favourite daughter status confirmed.
I slept with one of the directors so you would get a good price on the ballroom for your reception. I'm the best MOH. You owe me bitch
We've had gay sex and pie, the holiday season has officially begun.
I just sent him a message bearing my soul about how much he means to me as a friend and his first response is "are you drunk?"
Shit like this is why I'm a bitch to everyone.
I had a dream that you were telling me how good you are at parkour and legit you were doing it just like Michael Scott...
Don't read too much into what I just sent. I love you, always have, but I'm drunk and sorry for the confusion.
Which part? The boyfriend or the sex?
Boyfriend. SEX IS ON!!!
Randomize
