Dude, just got a bummer.
What??
A blow job from a homeless chick.
She invited me to an Eagles game, I mean that is almost better then if she told me she could only function with large amounts of semen in her system at all times.
woke up this morning with a fat chick but she went downstairs and made pancakes without saying a word.
By the way, I got bored last night and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
I feel like I'm full of double a batteries and cocaine.
You were running around drunk in a Toga chasing the frat's Husky. Of course they remember you.
yeah we're mixing orange juice, vodka, and rum and calling it Oj Simpson On Trial
This is America. Thomas Jefferson would have said I want some vagina.
Only I could host a baby shower where the cops get called.
That moment when your fucking in an airport bathroom and forget to lock the door. That poor man...scarred forever...
Currently watching Zombie Sharks while high. This is why I love Shark Week.
She invited us over for cocaine and donuts
The thing about pooping in the woods during hunting season is you never know if someone's watching you.
I’m getting reeeeaaalll tired of telling cute boys I gave them chlamydia.
That’s two in three months. You really know how to live.
I don't know if I'm having early flu symptoms, a miscarriage, or am badly hungover. Web md agrees.
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