Earlier, I saw a homeless man that looked like Abe Lincoln, and I just saw a guy walk past wearing crocs and socks. I'm beginning to like this city less and less
My stomach is making the worst sounds, probably because there is nothing but semen in it.
He was putting purell on my boobs saying "they need to be clean for later." He hadn't had a drink all night
not to mention it took an hour of antique roadshow to calm my dick down
You opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a wall last night.
I see you've set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in public.
Also, I threw up on the playground again. I've honestly had more fun there this past summer than I did in my entire childhood.
You fell out of your barstool, I tried to help you but you said if I got any closer I'd be drinking my meals through a straw, So there you sat.
I swear to god, if you fuck the hot one you're paying me back for the shot I just bought her
At orientation, some girl is asking, loudly, where she can get weed. Everyone looks discussed but are paying very close attention to people's answers.
I woke up to his balls in my face, so naturally I limboed under him and headed to the bathroom. When I came out he was asleep on the floor.
His favorite positions involve choking me out. I'm marrying him.
Hey, I was just wondering why i dont have a shirt on, why im cuddling with a furnace, why im in my own basement, and where my car is.
You know you're old when you’re masturbating and you pull your hip
Just because you haven’t had your UTI yet doesn’t mean you have a right to talk like Yoda
Randomize
