Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
maybe tonight we can turn coloring into a drinking game
just told my prof that "i dont give a fuck" about the final. nothing like a having a signed employment contract already
i wish there was a 'silent except for booty calls' volume level on my phone
Seriously just heard: "we need some good ass wine. how bout this swa-vig-non blank"
hahahaha. Oh virginia: where the south begins
Spent 30 minutes in the board meeting trying to figure out where the foul smell was coming from. Thought it was the guy's feet sitting next to me. Then i uncrossed my legs. Turns out it was my vagina. Thank goodness for travel size febreeeze.
I am dripping wet and slathered in glitter and banana mush. I love gay guys.
Urine might work for jellyfish stings, but we found out it doesn't work well for nose bleeds...
You kept saying "sir officer" which would have been polite and helped you if it wasn't a female. She was pissed.
MEET ME OUTSIDE YOUR HOUSE IN THREE MINUTES. BE DRUNK. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
This is most sickening thing I've ever seen, and I threw up my body weight in jello shots on my birthday.
You know it's last call at a gay bar when the guys at the urinal are just jacking off in front of each other. Most awkward pissing moment of my life.
I taught her to play Monopoly. She sold me her bra to keep from going bankrupt.
I woke up with glitter and eggshells in my bed wtf
I am eating croutons on my bathroom floor. Are you happy?!
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