oh my god im such an asshole. i just asked the guitarist of bad religion if he was a scalper.
the semester is winding down: time to procrastinate by googling cheap keg options
the last time i saw him was an hour he was floating face down in a pool... but i'm sure he's fine.
I'm sad your dog died... Her name is my stripper name.
there are 5 pictures on my phone from last night, 4 are too blurry to recognize and the 5th is you dangling a twizzler over your mouth, naked.
In line at the grocery store. The girl ahead of me is in a wetsuit and just bought 3 cases of beer and a bottle of vodka. I want to go where she's going...
Think of this as an opportunity. Like Jesus just opened up his closet, and inside is an endless supply of huge, beautiful cock.
Our date was amazing and I would like to reward you with a blow job under your desk.
I can pencil you in at 3:30
It's almost like a boob-text, but it's not. Because it was live. And you were showing a bunch of people.
I run into you far too many times while completely stoned and/or drunk for this not to be fate. It's like god is telling you to fuck me.
It has been happening a lot lately.
When you get a chance, you should call Nick. He REEAAAALLLLLY wants to hear you make chewbacca noises.
The guy had great intentions when throwing us free beer off the balcony... but of course I was the one to get hit in the face because that's the kind of luck I have
Btw, if I didn't have 3 limbs in restraints and my free hand offing myself with the pocket rocket, I would have snap chatted you. Next time.
I'm drinking with a guy who apparently blew my dog sitter.
If you find my integrity anywhere, please tell it to come back home
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