Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
I never thought I'd hear the words "aww you pulled out" and "you're so sweet" in the same sentence.
I woke up to them arguing over who would get my morning wood. Oh, and I was dressed as Santa.
My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
I just smoked a bowl in the dining room and am now drinking a glass of chocolate milk. i can't believe i'm getting paid for this.
you're the only person i know to use "jizz" and "cute" in the same sentence.
Best part of having a window in your office is that you can leave through it when you shit your pants at work.
So I had sex in a bulldozer lastnight now that's definitely a first...
...You tried to use your wallet to call her after you gave your cell phone to the cab driver as a "peace offering"
She can't brag about all the anal sex she has and then expect me not to awkwardly stare at her boyfriend when she brings him around
Just ushered a raccoon across the street so yeah.. Good night
No dude. I can't think of anything LESS sexy than yodeling
Where does dick fit into Maslow's hierarchy of needs?
I accepted my type is not "conventionally attractive" when she asked me "Him? Are you sure?" 5 times in front of him last night
just found out that my aunt grows weed. today is a good day to be me.
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