This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
The best part about the NBA starting up is I get to see Charles Barkley make a fool out of himself for 8 months
Her boobs looked like leather oven mitts. No more cougar hunting for awhile.
They only remember me when they're drunk...I'm like a suppressed memory.
I just won 10 dollars from out chugging the bar tender and I found out that the baby aint mine in the last hour. I don't even care if l get laid tonight any more.
update. expensive tequila only makes the mistakes more expensive.
He called the drink "The Annexation of Puerto Rico". He wouldn't tell us whats in it but said that we should all fear for our lives. Let's do this.
you sat in the middle of your kitchen floor feeding your dog blueberries one by one
Just smokin in the creek with some deer, they like the smoke, I know.
Trying to convince myself that everyone keeps staring at me because I'm pretty and not because of my hickies.
I think it says something about my sobriety when I don't notice a Taco Bell wrapper stuck to my ass until I'm in the shower...
Turns out floaties are a great thing after a couple bottles of vodka
well whats the tarot card for I'm totes going to be schlobbing his cob? because that's in his future.
taking shots alone in my kitchen before I go learn to give a lapdance. when did this become my life?
We'll just play naked Twister, the rest will take care of itself
Randomize
