So how was he last night?
Five-minute foot-long.
dude im shwasted, kabul is not the best place for this
I don't know what's more pathetic, the fact that you dated him or the fact that it took a Taylor Swift song for you to break up with him.
"Tonight I'm turning swine flu into an std" this might be how zombies come about. Peace civilization.
Practice the "sorry I may have given you herpes" conversation with me before I call him and break the news
And just when I was about to fall asleep, he hit me in the face, and claimed he's a "violent sleeper".
I guess I puked all over my hand too and I just looked at my roommate and said, "fix this."
You texted me "Americans are sad" and "chicken coop disaster" without any further explanation.
She had one unshaved part on her vagina that she called "the soul patch" I just didn't know what to think
Well if homeless lesbian experimenting divorcée is your new M.O., you're gonna need to start drinking more anyway so if that's what it takes to talk about it tomorrow afternoon, bottoms up bitch
That moment when your fucking in an airport bathroom and forget to lock the door. That poor man...scarred forever...
She took a six hour road trip with me so I could have revenge sex with my ex's brother. That is the definition of a best friend.
She's like the Jonah Hill of sorority sisters.
sorry for running off in the middle of that heart to heart. free food.
So then I got so stoned I sat and took my pulse for 10 minutes.
Randomize
