So it turns out the white chocolate in the bathroom is actually soap
She's NOT homeless...she graduated early.
I'm so hungover i just sang the alphabet to see if "Z" comes after "W"
Just used your umbrella as a puke sheild. Thanks man.
I think my vagina was keeping me fat all these years out of self preservation. It's like she knew what would happen if I lost the weight.
Thank God I didn't lose my virginity to that asshole. That woulda been like winnin a raffle ticket for a free bag of dog shit. But with like a really pretty bag. A pretty bag full of dog shit.
I'm doing somethin that's never been done before...the 10 am booty call come over
Druken naked yoga : jus another ploy to keep your husbands eye in check
I started blowing him in North Dakota, and I finished the job in Minnesota. Oh, the places road head can take you.
8===D
That's the bat signal to come over and fuck me.
Ya know what's been the best part of this College Football Season? Not having to hear Brent Musberger say the Honey Badger 77 fucking times.
Walk of shaming into my apartment. No one to clap me in. Come home!
I'll pass on that plan. The lack of my penis in new vaginas is no where on the itinerary.
Come over. I have beer, your weird ass vegan pizza, and a raging hard on.
Marry me.
Tight. Want to get up, make coffee, sit on separate couches and silently read our mobile devices together?
Randomize
