My sole motivation for showering this morning was to masturbate. Something is wrong here...
I imagine anything that isn't a dilldo attached to a jackhammer, powered by a generator won't be amazing enough for you
I feel like I just lived out a children's book called "The Day I Went to Law School Stoned"
if I was any more soft right now, my penis would be a liquid
My whole family just stopped to look at me and aknowledge how fucked up I am.
It's getting harder and harder to find People to carry her home
She shouldn't drink
do you ever wish you could like, jerk your heart off and be, like, emotionally satisfied? it'd feel like cuddling.
And I'm sorry for punching you in the face when I drunkenly threw my sandwich
I was giving him a blowjob but we had to stop because he started crying when his cat walked in and started staring at us
Did I seriously answer the door for a home delivery of weed from you and your boss while wearing last night's 80s rockstar face paint?
Omg. I just remembered my underwear is in my wallet
New Orleans is just like you. Dirty but beautiful and will always have a special place in my heart
at one point, you reached into your purse, pulled out a tampon, and proceeded to rub it on your lips like chapstick... that drunk
well it was naive of you to actually think you're the only bday sex he had lined up for him today. I'm just suprised he actually had a line forming outside of his room
There are some people who should not be trusted with a cell phone while drunk. You know your one of them when you call the cops on your own party.
Randomize
