Please don't call me names while I'm carrying your child.
after you took your Demerol you started flying around and talking like the robot ship on the movie Stealth. then you licked my iPhone and declared the mission a success.
fyi, we didn't break up, we just downgraded to occasional sex without ever talking about it.
I asked my mom if I was the drunkest one in the room. With 8 days till I go back to school, I couldn't care less about being shitfaced at a baptism
He kept waking up periodically throughtout the night to bit my ear and pass back out.
Made dad pull of the highway twice on the way home so I could puke. Yeah i'd say we ended the semester well.
All I know is that I'm not gonna send out SOS messages via twitter for your rescue this time.
Oh hey. I left my beer there. Beer is more important than my pride. I want to pick that up.
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
I also told the pizza delivery guy that he smelled good. I must be ovulating.
I'm glad our friendship can withstand laughing mid-blowjob during the diarrhea scene in Dumb & Dumber.
DUDE FUCK CALL ME SHE HAS GRANDKIDS
You just sent me an audio message of you peeing. That’s true love right there.
I was at his place until 2am. We just sat really close an stared at each other. I think you are right. Germans must not have feelings. Not even tingly ones in their pants.
The people at Perkins seem so judgemental. Big deal if i'm handcuffed to stripper in a star-n-stripes bikini. We still gotta eat.
Randomize
