I would get the one fuckin stripper that's a lesbian. THE ONLY ONE
Cause your way of greeting people at the club was grabbing a tit and jiggling it while yelling a name, which usually wasn't theirs, and guys weren't safe either.
He tells me he loves me and I say I just want him for sex, then he looks at me like I just said I hate puppies. What kind of guy is he?
Remember when we used to share painkillers at parties? Now we're dealing in blood pressure pills. Oh, how the mighty have fallen.
YOU BETTER NOT BE SHAVING YOUR LEGS RIGHT NOW IM TRYING TO HELP YOU
So for St Paddys day I colored my junk green and got a little hat for him....wanna see it before I sober up....
I've started drunk signing up for 5ks. Who even does that?
You know you're gay when you have to have your coworkers explain to you why your bracket is terrible
Just hooked up my fuck buddy with a job working for my dad...this can only end bad.
*6am blends another margarita* *615am blends straight tequila*
I miss my bedroom and my bed and being able to spray myself with my choice of 15 different perfumes so I don't have to wake up to the smell of my past sins
Dude I just clenched/unclenched my hindquarters while looking in the mirror I have fucking talent
I DONT KNOW HOW I'M NOT DEAD, JESUS CHRIST ON A DOUBLE DECKER FUCKING KEANU REEVES BUS
We played 2 very competitive games of Jenga and then fucked our brains out... BEST. RELATIONSHIP. EVER.
Irony: drinking your pre workout supplement out of the cup your Krispy Kreme doughnut holes came in.
Randomize