Apparently Chef Boyardee is the only guy I'm taking home tonight.
Its the least I can do really, I mean, I did sleep with her husband...
STDs are my biggest fear, besides whales. They're so fucking big.
You always seem to be able to bribe me with tequila and Mac and cheese. This relationship of ours will cause me health problems someday.
Come to the roof. We are drinking breakfast.
I miss you, too. It's hard to sleep without anything licking my head.
You know you're a heffer when you discover chocolate frosting on your smoking apparatus
Every time I start to think he's just not worth the trouble, he puts his face down there and I wanna buy him a car
Things that don't wash off in the shower: black eyes and hickies.
I wish my nipples were as well behaved as yours.
fuck emotions I should've gotten more cats
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
Oh fuck, I'm officially a cougar..he's got the same name as my grandson
It was like a single vaginal boat in a sea of one eyed monsters
Nothing says “I spent too much in Vegas” quite like eating a jar of pickles for dinner and planning on cream of celery soup for breakfast tomorrow.
Randomize
