Girl last night got so wet when I was going on down her it flooded up my nose. I nearly drown
I'm at my inlaws playing Scrabble. Go Fuck Yourself.
Just puked in a mcdonalds cup while driving. Didn't even swerve.
totally poinked my lawyers daughter in his hot tub last night. i figure getting off is just compensation for not getting me off.
I love my penis, it thinks for me sometimes
did the walk of shame through a baseball field. .A little league game was going on. Proceeded to buy a hot dog at the concession stand. the looks were priceless.
What can I say, we hook up during the holidays.. We're a seasonal couple
I just need to repress my desire to share my impressive chugging abilities with the world and I won't black out so much
being pregnant is like rehab
From one hot mess to another... Get it together.
I woke up in confetti... confetti and shame
Next time you decide to go downstairs hungover, please warn me. I now have to explain to twenty eight year olds why you were naked.
If I had any lingering questions about my sexuality, the strip club tonight verified I'm 100% gay
Can you pay somone's bail with a credit card or just cash? I feel like you would know this.
So someone just asked us for our kidneys?!?
I don’t know how you celebrated 4/20 but I set a Payless trash can on fire
Randomize
