God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
I'm in that akward stage between jailbait and cougar
We all know the best way to start a relationship is greeting while at least one of you are intoxicated, dual facebook stalking, and a two week long game of 20 questions via texts to 'really' get to know each other. In that order.
I wouldn't have it any other way. It's like a fairy tale!
We just spray painted his balls while he is passed out....I cant wait to see him try to figure this out in the morning.
I'm so hungover i just sang the alphabet to see if "Z" comes after "W"
Do you remember unrolling paper towels as a blanket?
well as your friend its only fair to offer my cock for your services. Cause I care.
The kid in the park, who was on a leash I might add, looked at us and yelled "stranger danger" before hiding behind his dad
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
this one kid was speed-mumbling about putting broccoli in the printer
I guess I just don't understand how the two main issues with your ex involve a cock ring and a Christmas tree
his penis was like the majestic horn of a unicorn and I came like a million trumpeting rainbows.
I'm going to preface tonight by saying that I'm sorry for tequila, shopping carts, and having to chase me.
I'm determining which apartments I'm mostly to move into based on how suitable the kitchens are for sex .
He has no idea he’s my boyfriend.
Randomize
