i just told my boss to make it rain at camelot later...what is wrong with me?
saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
Is it wrong that I didn't stop masterbating when the credit card company called?
did you answer or finish?
both
10 dollar pizza all the toppings you want. Wait Until You See This Pizza
You can't buy drugs with a ziplock bag full of quarters, chuck-e-cheese coins, and a starbucks giftcard.
watch me
I just burped jalapeños and cum. That was the most disgusting thing ever.
Lets be real here, you loved it when I was on top. With and without the machete.
Just got kicked out of two hot tubs. We were naked the second time. So awkward getting out in front of the security guard.
It is not if she takes a guy home Karaoke night. It is how many.
I'm drinking and making muffins and I believe this is why God put us on earth.
My goal for the weekend: procure a blowjob using only stern glances, hand gestures, and crudely-drawn stick figures.
I just look at my butt and see so much potential.
4 pharmacies and not one had Plan B. If this is gods way of telling me it's time for a child, he can fuck off.
This is a life or shit situation. Grab me toilet paper asap. This bathroom is fucking out. This is not a test. This an actual emergency and I am not joking.
Not going to lie, when I looked in the tub I expected to see what might have been remnants of a squirrel.
Randomize