dude i need help, im throwing up blood.
no youre not, you just drank a pitcher of red koolaid trying to sober up.
oh, so thats why my junks red.
wow. cant help you there...
Last night this chick queefed when I was going down on her. Thinking if you! xo
I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
Dudeeeee, i ordered strippers for my party.
I ordered a moonbounce.
Fuck, you win.
I come back into the room and you're grinding with the person in the mascot suit.
I don't think he grasps the fact that I would much rather he finish inside me than on my $400 Anthropolgie bedspread
you vomited through the snorkel and onto the back of your head. it was truly amazing
i told him i was allergic to semen. he pulled out an epipen.
2048oz a keg...divide that by solo cup... comes out to 128 beers...simplifies into 5.3repeating cases...drinkable between two people
and u failed math?
All i really wanna do tonight is get drunk with you and dance on tables. is that too much to ask?
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
It was bitter sweet because I woke him up with sex but then I peed in his bed with him in it
2:34, make a wish! I wish I wasn't on acid at Planned Parenthood. What's yours?
I'm not sure you count what happened last night as sex.
I'm just going to use my debit card. I feel bad buying pizza with the money I stole from my roommate...so I'm going to put it in my piggy bank.
Randomize
