I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
You have problems? I'm 20 years old and i'm balding
Balcony sex scratched the shit out of my phone. Whups.
tan lines, throwing up everclear on the beach, doing lifeguards, tequila...summer.
Just want you to know I am def drunk enough to burn down your house. Don't worry I checked the stove like 6 times. I love grilled cheese
there's a picture of you and pauly shore at a starbucks on my phone
you two really need to work out your issues. my vagina can't handle another week of your pent up frustrations.
Come make me food. I feel like if I go in the kitchen I will just get Gin.. and pass out in there.
I asked my boss to leave early for a booty call. She said yes. See.... everyone sees it's important I get laid.
I should have bailed a long time ago. I mean, he has a bible verse-a-day app next to his dick pics in his phone.
He can't just hit it and quit it and then eat your pop tarts on his way out.
So none of you told me my tits were popping out of my shirt for three hours?
We told you. Repeatedly. You said you made it look good.
I can't believe I'm coordinating a threesome at work. My productivity is at an all time low.
I think I left my bra and my crocs in your room
one of my students asked me today if i was having a baby. fuckin 4 year olds and their lack of filter. time to get back to the gym i guess
Randomize
