I am engaged
To a real live girl that has met me
Literal conversation "you are ________ ____. you facebook friended me"
she said i have a nice penis, i told her only bob saget and god could judge that.
I asked my mother if she peed on that chair, she said "not bad" There is no good level of pee on a chair.
hows the new call of duty?
I only had sex with the game case so far, but that part was awesome.
I had to sleep with my math professor to pass algebra. Apparently my blowjobs are only C+ quality
btw good call for not making out for a pitcher of vodka, this hangover is bad enough
I just want one of her status not to be about Jesus.
They just called to see if he wanted to come in at 2am for overtime. He's trashed. He literally carried on a 10 minute convo with his boss about woodchucks. As in the animal
I think he offered to cook me dinner or cook me for dinner. Not really sure. Just smiled and nodded.
I've got to stop giving the gift of vagina for every occasion. I'm exhausted.
I'd rather just be alone, than deal with this bullshit. I just want to be alone. Cats and vibrators never let you down.
She liked to slap me in the face while she was on top. All I can say is that big boobs can excuse a lot.
i just wrote an ode to an enchilada dorito. i'll need that pregnancy test now please.
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
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