Do you need to be saved?
No I think I'm God
If I had a sex resume I'd get tons of jobs.
Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
absolutely not. he will always be that kid that threw up a ham and cheese sandwich in fourth grade to me.
just saw someone puke all over a michigan fan. he didn't even flinch.
I just blew my nose and little bits of weed came out.
every time i recognize a doctor or patient at the hospital on this rotation, i just pray it's not from my blackout saturday makeout slut moments...professionalism shouldn't count on weekends
Congratulations, you fucked a nickle into me.
in a thick russian accent she said "im not so good with english, much better with dick"
Explain it like you would if you were talking to a 5 yo
Wait no, like you would to a stoned high school freshman.
there's still three solo cups of your puke in my basement. so that needs to be solved at some point.
We got naked and peed in the garden. Something about bonding with our new house
Yeah, you gave me a condom that I 100% coulda used, then an hour later you basically beat the shit out of me and physically took it from my pocket.
She rode me wearing nothing but a Santa hat. Merriest fucking Christmas!
We showed up to the ER to pick him up and I was still wearing face paint from the game. Then I threw up in the sink. Those doctors did not like us at all.
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