Do they make some cleansing product for your soul? Like mouthwash that makes you not a skank? Or is that what religions for?
Eh, i think it's called sobriety. But its not fun.
new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
I just walked by that girl who tried to commit suicide over me in high school. That was weird.
I need to move out. I just walk of shamed my way into a family breakfast party. There's no response when grandma says "where you coming from in heels at 9AM?"
Don't upload the drink o meter to your google calendar. Somehow binge drinking looks even worse with a time stamp.
he can show you his cooooock\nshining, shimmering, splendiddddd
He tried to finger me at Disneyland! He tried to taint the happiest place on earth!
nothing like a cross blunt to celebrate the birth of our savior
Like hey, "you just spent $135k to go to a nobody law school to drive a mini van, be a dj, live in a smalllll ass apartment that smells like cats and your girlfriend fucks other guys."
After the clumsiest day of my life I think it's safe to say my dream of being a ninja is dead. Memorial service with a glass of wine at 8pm
Nevermind, there are three drinks waiting at the bar for me. I cannot disappoint this alcohol.
he's like a horny 3rd grader on cocaine. he needs a leash
Hey sorry about last night. can I come pick up my tooth?
valentines day is a day for loved ones to share. So me and my vibrator. Happy holidays.
I need to go home for the safety of everyone in a 10 mile radius, especially me
Randomize
