He is either going to be in my pants or get a restraining order against me.
Only you could turn Mozart into a stripper song.
So I told her I dislocated my shoulder and she said "well okay. I can either be on top or blow you."
Decisions, decisions.
sometimes you just have to pull up your panties, blow a kiss to the security camera and walk out of the alley like nothing happened.
Dude I broke my bong in half this morning. I kicked it as I was jerking off. I would never hide anything from you.
He's a waiter, looks 15, and told me he loved me after only talking to me for 30 minutes. I told him I wanted a margarita. We got 3 free pitchers. I may have to make this our regular Wednesday night hangout.
I burst into tears on the boat this morning because we bumped a duck in the head. I am way too hung over for today
I'm just going to lay in a blanket cocoon of self pity for the next few months.
You ran down the alley towards a stranger screaming "you took my beer".... Then proceeded to run into a garage, fall down, and scream about how your shirt makes you look fat.
Holy shit, just saw a girl in the library smoking a bong disguised as a calculator
Should I take a fireball shot or brush my teeth?
I let him stay at my place since i had to work early and when i got home there was a fruit snack wrapper in my bed. I dont have any fruit snacks. Which means he brought his own fruit snacks to the fuck session.
Tonight I'm getting fucked up for America because Lord knows we need it.
I'm a little concerned about right now. You showed up at my house soaking wet, drunk with a bag of ham and 2 liter of Dr. Pepper, and you refused to tell me where you got the ham until I gave you some more liquor.
we live vicariously through your huge boobs
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