Ugh I have so many sins to confess tmw at church, you just made me think of many more I've made on that street alone
i friday night watching house. god, i need a life, friends, and a legitimate fake id.
Woke up with a treasure map of my room stuck with sticky tape to my ceiling. followed it and found $75 with a note saying; "eat this if we're invaded"... I'm never getting stoned again
I have realized now that neither the top nor bottom of a bunk bed is safe for sex....
note to self, drunkenly bedazzeling the silverware was a stupid fucking idea
just 'accidentally' changed my relationship status to 'in an open relationship' just to see what offers I might get if I were to dump him. it's not looking good
The fact that he just came out makes his Lent commitment to give up gay sex so much more meaningful now.
He could smell the liquor on my breath. Fuck. I thought he would smell French toast.
Romantically speaking, I want to sit on his face.
I choose McDonald's breakfast at 1:28am over sex anytime
you look like you're about to get down on your knees and give america the business.
i think i just encouraged him to glue googly eyes to my boobs
I know him enough to fuck him but not enough to give him advice.
Then, he ate me out while I watched Bo Burnham. Best. Night. Ever.
This is why people in Buffalo die of heart attacks. This and wings
Randomize
