I'm drinking while my friends build sand castles, now I know how my dad used to feel
I have all these new brothers and sisters I'm just now finding out about
I drunk madeout with my mom last night. it's guna be an awkward breakfast.
Yea my vagina was pretty pissed at me for not taking advantage of the situation...
I won't drink with you again until you promise to not feed me anymore paper bags
Shame tastes like burnetts and latex
And I'm still awake, and you left me. Like the guy on Jurassic Park, that jumped out of the car expecting me to save myself while there is a man eating T-rex ready to tear my ass apart except theres a mathematician and paleontologist there to save me because they are bad asses.
Can we please start going to the gym before I accidentally kill someone via explosive fat girl pants button accident
At this point I think you're just judging my taste in men
Now theyre filling the kiddie pool water with boxes and boxes of jello powder and im not sure if thats a sign i should leave or what
They only searched every other person. But I sacrificed myself to get our vodka across the border
I'm dedicating this beer to drunk texting
I just found one of your beard hairs in my oatmeal.
the girls would appreciate it if you invited over some drunk, single, straight men with low standards.
when i woke up with rugburns on the tops of my feet, knees, and chin i was a little confused. and then i remembered i had sex with him in his friends walk in closet.
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