this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
it was like eating out sand paper
My professor just used "labia" and "numchucks" in the same sentence. I am dying.
I recommend just blowing him. It's always the way to go.
I don't think my body can handle the alcohol I want to put in it anymore.
Dude she's on meds. He has a ginormous penis. Ur A dumbass. That concludes our feelings chat. Dim Sumday?
I'm just going to text him the word sex repeatedly until he comes over.
Did it work?
Duh, it only took 27 texts and 15 minutes and he was at my front door.
The fact that I'm going to be living with you is starting to make me worry about my heatlh.
Ya that ship has sailed dude
i'm calling it my monica lewinsky shirt now. may it live forever in infamy.
The roommate asked me to make sure no one fucked in his room. And then preceded to give only me permission to fuck in his room. Had no idea who I was, just thought I was trustworthy cause I had Edward 40 hands. Felt like a Tarantino movie.
Yoga may not b such a good idea for me today. My liver is obviously in cahoots with my colon to pay me back for the past 24 days of misuse . Downward dog could have catastrophic consequences.
Tell her this is the Disneyland of penises.It's a magical place everyone should visit once in their life.
Also cheers for the reminder to check last night's texts. It's been a magical adventure through drunk me's thought process.
Can you explain the Transformers set up for battle in my living room?
HE'S FUCKING 19 YEARS OLD, HE CAN'T EVEN GET INTO A BAR WITH ME, WHAT MAKES YOU THINK I'LL LET HIM IN MY PANTS?!
Randomize
