Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
something about eating while taking a crap just doesn't seem safe to me.
shes on the floor puking and texting simultaneously.
He warned me he may piss the bed. I'm oddly okay with this.
Still burping lighter fluid. Totally awful.
the last thing i remember is yelling at the cab driver that i'm really good at drive by vomitting.
I should start handing out wavers before I have sex with someone. 1. Do you have anything to do tomorrow? 2. Are you ok with sleeping 12 hours from exhaustion. 3. Are you ok with a limp?
Somehow my drug dealer is stuck in my air-vent and now everything smells like patchouli, weed, deoderant and sweat.
It's like "hey I give your roommate blowjobs twice a week, want to connect on LinkedIn?"
I need you to ship me a penis cookie care package.
all his sexual metaphors involve condiments, should I worry?
In all the years we have had drunk sex, have we ever done it in a bed?
How do I sound like a lady while communicating the fact that I want his dick in my mouth?
Just remember I’m your roommate with extremely questionable morals
Exactly, what could possibly go wrong
I need like a billion tiny bottles of alcohol to put in the patron pinatas
Randomize
