I solve my problems like an adult, at the strip club drinking on a work night.
my boyfriend just said he'd go down on me if I gave him my password to facebook
Just got done reading an 11 page essay for class. Took me three fucking days and the only thing I have highlighted is the name "Alexander Cockburn"
I bruise way too easily for the kind of rough sex I want...
I appreciate the offer. Swallowing pride is much like swallowing cum, difficult and unpleasant
Nothing says walk of shame better than a onesie and a 12 pack of corona..
Wow way to turn my death into an oppurtunity to get laid
duuuude the clock in this car says its 85 past 19.
dear god, who put you in a cab?
The ratio of last drink to last smoke is so tricky. This could go on until the booze is gone
You can fuck me but I'm keeping my parka on.
He fed us edamame like baby birds. Slowly all coming back to me.
Being in the club with your moms drunk friends > having a healthy relationship with your mom
He kept apologizing that the nerve damage makes him take a while to finish. Meanwhile he gave me 3 orgasms and a leg cramp
Only you could benefit from a reckless driver
Honestly, you can’t tell the whole sorority he has a donkey dick and expect that no one would sleep with him after you broke up
Our livers are going to hate us.
It's okay, they're regenerative. God wanted this.
Randomize
