he called me "his little blueberry cunt muffin"...how would that make you feel?
i purposely bought her a small sweater. My way of saying, you've gotten fat.
Dude she gave you head while I was in the closet, we've passed the "awkward" phase.
I consented to having my finger branded. How was your night?
I knew it would be an interesting night when he showed up at my house on a scooter wearing a six foot american flag as a cape.
You just sent me a picture of a federal crime. Like. You don't give a fuck.
then she lifted her dress, tweaked her own nipples, and then ordered another round for everyone. this place is wild at 9pm.
Now I have to set an alarm for less than 6 hours from now to wake her up, get her showered and get her to her first day of tutoring a kid from her church. WTF is my life?
I peed sitting down because I knew standing was a lost cause
We got stuck in traffic in the tunnel while we were smoking weed. We were afraid to air out the car.
he kept insisting he didn't have my number, so i called his phone and my number came up as "yeaaaaaaaaah!"
He's like a Lana del Rey song that took human form
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.
I told him I lived in the apartment beside his brother and he said "oh, you're the girl that watches really loud porn!"
Bro i just made a pipe out of a mechanical pencil and the top to an eye drop bottle. Does that make me some kind of pot god?
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