There is a banner on a house by campus that says "welcome to college dads. Thanks for dropping off your daughters!"
stop texting me from phones in the verizon store and pretending to be guys i talked to when i was drunk. its confusing.
I just finished washing your number off of my chest. I'm Bryan by the way.
We ran out of things to say while we were playing Never Have I Ever so we started playing I Have Done This... Have You?
you were passed out snoring, face down with all your clothes still on and 20 minutes later you sat up and said "FUCK YES" and then passed out again.
she gave me one of those friendship bracelets and said as long as I wore it it was like an all-access pass to her vagina
dude. this chick is staring at me like i gave her brother herpes.
No more Raisinettes before sex. That's what happened. I just put it together
She was kinda cute. So long as you don't mind neck tattoos and bad life choices.
I snorted a few ambien and woke up here. A lady banged on our door, waking us up, demanding our towels.
I'm starting to think I didn't bring enough liquor for this family Christmas.
It's 2 pm....
He told me I had smoking hot areolas then he wins an executive of the year award. How does that even happen?
Is it customary to send a 'thank you card'to someone who gave you awesome oral as a gift at your housewarming party?
Don't forget to grab a pregnancy test and sloppy joe mix for tonight
You know something is wrong with your lifestyle when you have to clean easy Mac cheese powder off of your scale
at least it's not cocaine like last time
Randomize
