you have to choose: penises or morals?
How am I suppose to look him in the face when I know a commercial lasts longer than he does?
As I was buying milk at the market, the lady at the checkstand said, "what? No alcohol today?" have I really earned THAT reputation?
You were waisted for 48 hours and the only 3 words you said were yup, sure, and michigan
Or they can chase TEQUILA shots with it. I don't know why my phone capitalizes TEQUILA.
Some guy stole lobsters by hiding them in his pants. We should strive to be like him.
YOUR TITS WERE ON THE TABLE.
I just had to kick out lesbian wedding crashers. They literally wanted to punch me. I threatened to call the cops so they went outside and smoked a joint.
I was just asked by a police officer to not come back to Lancaster...
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
A seagull just tried to steal my cellphone
I've been continuously high for the last 48 hours, and just broke my 4th vibrator. Coincidence? FIND ME A MAN I BEG OF YOU.
that's what I'm here for. I'm literally just bad advice mixed with motivational sentences.
Kinda thinking about going to my moms wedding high
He had a temporary tattoo of Justin Bieber on his dick and I still had sex with him
Randomize
